The Art of Being Alone

I spent many years of my younger life with my nose in a blank book, thinking very intensely about the trials and tribulations of my little life. Oh, trials! Starting somewhere in middle school and continuing through most of college, I'd write almost every day -- lots and lots of unrequited love, boredom, frustration, gross stuff. I can't read that junk now for its terrible earnestness, but there's something great to be said for just writing whatever is on your mind.

Maybe the most positive side-effect of this kind of writing is that I would often seek out places where I could be alone in a crowd like a museum, park, library, cafe, and just immerse myself in the activity. When I was living in Europe for a bit in college the train rides were almost always my favorite part of a trip because it allowed me the opportunity to sit quietly, watch scenery fly by, and write. It was the closest I've ever come to actual meditation.

I just don't do that anymore. Maybe because it feels self indulgent (says the blogger), or because I just can't take myself seriously enough to write about my feelings. I'm a comedian (kinda) after all and we're pretty much wired to spot and exploit silly behavior in other people. I probably make fun too much. Which is fun.

Maybe I'm afraid to document what I'm thinking, convinced that some bully is going to rip it away from me and read it out loud to the rest of the class. Then everyone will know how I got my period in sewing class and that's actually why I got dismissed*.



I'm making an effort lately to be alone more. I like talking to people and being busy, but I think it's important to not let being busy take over completely.

So, essentially I just blogged about journaling. I think I've crossed some kind of postmodern line and will probably implode pretty soon. So listen guys, you've been great. I'm going to document this all in my journal.

introspective and crap,
erin

*true story

In Ya Face

When riding public transportation, I tend to go elsewhere mentally. Especially when it's the morning and it's a very familiar route. Usually there are headphones on, and a lot of staring at the seat in front of me or half-reading a daily paper that's been discarded on the floor. Something that can readily break me out of this haze is being bopped on the nose by a dude.

He didn't mean it, he kind of fell into me, but he bopped me right on the nose. He was just some normal guy in a North Face jacket, totally non-threatening, a little lost looking, bop. We kind of looked at each other after it happened, he to apologize, I to assess this person who just randomly touched my face.

The true weirdness of the experience made me realize that it's very very seldom that someone touches another person's face. I mean, it's really limited to a mom or a boyfriend, in my experience. Face touching is weirdly intimate. I keep using the word "weird" in this post because it best describes the unexpected situation.

Made me think about boundaries, routine, barriers, collective numbness...meh, it's Friday.

In The Wee Small Hours...

The new fun game I'm playing is called "Insomnia: The MUSICAL!" only it's not a game and there's no music. There is however a blessed pocket of time each night between 2am and 5am wherein my body says, "wake on up, erin!" and my thoughts race like I'm on speed. This is usually followed by an accelerated heart rate and lots of makeshift breathing exercises. I'm going to try to have some quiet tea and meditation time this evening to ward off the wake-up, we shall see! This trend makes for real special mornings in which I star in "Frustrated Rage: The MUSICAL!" This one has lots of singing**.

I'm still super excited for nanowrimo -- and I'm batting around ideas for what will become a very hasty masterpiece. I found this description of a "Byronic Hero" on Wikipedia. Think Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre...

* high level of intelligence and perception
* cunning and ability to adapt
* sophistication and education
* self-criticism and introspection
* mysteriousness, magnetism and charisma
* struggle with integrity
* power of seduction and sexual attraction
* social and sexual dominance
* emotional conflicts, bipolar tendencies, or moodiness
* a distaste for social institutions and norms
* being an exile, an outcast, or an outlaw
* "dark" attributes not normally associated with a hero
* disrespect of rank and privilege
* a troubled past
* cynicism
* arrogance
* self-destructive behaviour



A Byronic hero is apparently sexy and bad for you - nice! I've got a lot to plot and plan and I wish it was legal to start writing before November 1st, because then I could really utilize those wee hours in the morning for something at least ostensibly productive.

more coffee,
erin

** swearing.

If I Go to Gloucester You Know I Will Wait There for You

Newly obsessed, I've been listening to Ra Ra Riot constantly for the past few days. It's kind of ridiculous the way I do this periodically, just live inside a CD and let it color all of my experiences for an amount of time. That's why certain music is tied so tightly to different periods in my life I guess. I can't even listen to some songs anymore, not because I stopped loving them, but because I was probably unhappy or having a manic hour when I loved it the first time.

But anyway, Ra Ra Riot is amazing. It's kind of like Vampire Weekend with a strong thoughtful undercurrent. A dancy-catchy component is paired with a really super-literate, emotional element and it's almost perfect. There are violins involved, people. Dancy violins. I don't know either, but it's magical.



I'm really looking forward to Novelin' November. It will be good to have a project to dip my head into for a while. Also, I'm having nightmares about elevators all the time. Like, weekly at least. Last night it was going up up up really fast and the screen that tells you which floor your passing was flashing different numbers and different symbols, it was out of control. It finally slowed enough for me to jump off , but man. Scary stuff. Any analysts out there?

Monday.
erin.

Win/Win

Dear Boston Red Sox,
Do you have some kind of contract with Hollywood? What is your deal? Why do you do these weird and amazing things? Can I have some money? Seriously, just a little?

I'm really happy that last night turned out the way it did. I like the Red Sox a lot, but I'm much more effected by the general population's mood. And today that mood is euphoric because of those dudes, so, go sox!

As for me though, I was not watching the game. I was watching this guy:



I've loved Ben Kweller since 2003. I can pinpoint the moment I fell in love. I was in Union Square in New York and listening to "On My Way" on a sample CD with those giant communal headphones that a bunch of homeless people had probably used before me. He broke into the chorus of "I Need You Back" with a loud yell, I removed the headphones picked up the CD and brought it to the counter. Love at first listen.

So last night my friend Ryan and I squeezed past a bunch of people who shop at Urban Outfitters and found a spot against the bar in the back of the Paradise. Ben was amazing. He has a whole lot of hair and wore a white suit. My only complaint would be that it seemed short, but that's probably because I wanted him to play every song I knew three times.

**edit**
As I was finishing up this blog post my office building had a fire drill. So many stairs. So much temptation to run. Aaaand we're back.

Fun times, and more to come this weekend as Brian and I embark on CUCHI CUCHI BIRTHDAYFEST '08!

holla,
erin

October Babies

First of all, happy birthday to Sue C.! She's New Yorking quite well I hear.

It does seem like a season of birthdays, and as a matter of fact I'll be 27 the next time I write a blog entry. That is,unless I get especially bored and/or inspired sometime over the weekend. To celebrate this special day, Winthrop is holding a Columbus Day parade!



I'm pretty light on plans for the weekend, but perhaps it will afford me sometime to meditate on, you know, aging. Or maybe I'll just plunge myself into a cleaning frenzy. Or outline that novel I'm going to write. Birthdays aren't what they were, are they? Can't I just have a bowling ally party or a tie dye party or something? (note: I did have a tie dye party once and it ruled completely)

These things happen, every year at that! So happy birthday to all my fellow, indecisive, very pretty Libras trying to keep it balanced. Godspeed!

Journeying
Down
Hill
xo
erin

*quick addendum*

Me and Meg
c/o R.W.Petti:

The Frustrations of Being a Completely Unknown Writer

As many of you may know, I am an aspiring writer. Specifically, I'd like to write for television. So, the thing aspiring TV writers do is pick a show they love and write an episode of it, called a spec script. It's essentially a writing sample that shows what you can do.

Earlier this year, I spent a lot of time and effort writing a spec for The Office. I had the idea for a while and finally got it down on paper. The title of the episode I wrote is, "Wellness Challenge" based on the idea that there would be a company-wide incentive for the employees to modify their weight and get in shape. Clearly Michael Scott goes entirely off the deep end and turns the workplace into a "Biggest Loser" type competition. The title of the episode of The Office that aired last week is "Weight Loss".




Although I'm sure the specifics differ quite a bit, essentially, the same exact concept. I haven't seen the episode yet but it's safe to say that all the work I put into creating my spec is out the window. It's useless now because it will look like I copied an existing episode.

Ohhhh, frustration. It was a real good one too. I'll email it to you if you want. You can print it out and use it to wrap my birthday gift or line some kind of pet poop box.

At least I know that it was, indeed, a good idea to start with. And it will also motivate me to write a new one, but not The Office this time.

The Nature of Going, or Not Going, Crazy

by Erin McGhee

This blog is a place for me to talk about comedy shows, and music I love, and life experiences, so I guess this entry will fall into that third category. A little journal-ish, so if you're not interested in vain rambling, smell ya later!

So, I just finished reading my friend Patty's blog about the nature of her happiness, or state of being, and it connected with me in a way.

Does anybody else feel like they've been going quietly insane since, like, elementary school? When my anxiety is particularly high I feel like everyone in the world is watching and judging the decisions I make. Is there such a thing as "Narcissistic Anxiety"? I think I'm coining it, so I get credit if it's ever on Oprah.

The long and short of it is that I am very lucky and thankful for all of the good things in my life, and all of the good people. It's time to be grateful, and not panicky, because as my favorite drama teacher used to say, "what's the worst that can happen?" There might be some yoga and/or Taoist conversion in my near future. I'm starting this new month with a new intention.

I only write all this personal junk in the hopes that someone else might relate and appreciate it in some way. So there's my fleeting stab at sincerity. Being Irish and uncomfortable with emotion, I now offer you this: